11:59 p.m. text

Confession time: I don't think I'm beautiful. I struggle to find my purpose in life and where I fit in despite going to college, playing soccer, and having a strong friend group. Some days, it's even harder for me to find my personal worth and value.

To explain where all these negative feelings come from would take pages upon endless pages of depressing experiences that I'll graciously spare you. Yet, they are still here. They are still the things I feel and think.

I can look back through my life and see how God has worked in me, through me, and around me, however that may appear. He's done miracles before my eyes and guided me along the way. But somehow turning to Him to find worth, value, purpose (and shall I say, 'prettiness') was not an option? I neglected to see how He could listen to such pitiful mumbling of a teenage girl struggling with "normal, every day" things. No wonder it has taken me over 4 years to realize HE DOES CARE!

Sometime this past Monday, I got to thinking about all this. All the feelings of unworthiness, little value, and so on...and frankly, I got pretty depressed. It hung with me through the next day until I talked with BJ (God has granted him an endless supply of patience, I SWEAR!) about all I was feeling and how there was nowhere to turn to get help to feel pretty again. Thank goodness he is wise beyond his years and simply instructed me to pray and turn it all over to God. Under my breath on the way to Theology of Ministry class I muttered to myself, "God, help me feel beautiful. Help me to be content with who I am." Simple, right?

I was in for more than I knew when class started and we had a guest speaker named Jeremy Ritch. This guy is insane. In the best of ways, and I truly mean that. He was tattooed all over the place, far different looking than any pastor I had ever laid eyes on, and his life had been one of great strife and questioning. Having grown up doing drugs and alcohol, going to church because his mother made him and after being kicked out of numerous churches for his tattoos, he eventually came to Christ and later started his ministry. Jeremy ministers to guys at bars, the homosexuals, transvestites, those who've changed sex, and so on. Yet Christians tell him he CAN'T and SHOULDN'T because of who they are. Admits all of this, he brought up what we've all heard time and time again in church: We are made in God's image. God does NOT screw up in making us. We are BEAUTIFUL, just the way we are. And where we are at in life is exactly where He wants us to be. Not guna lie, this was the first time it hit me.

Hours later, after much reflection on what Jeremy Ritch had talked about and just how profound it is to be created in the image of God, I began to cry. Cry because I still felt lost.

It was then, at 11:59 p.m. I got a text from my best friend Kristen Darby, and this is what it said: Dearest Kayleigh, I am contacting you for the purpose  of informing you that i love you :) hahaha today I was overwhelmed with how much i miss you and how awesome you are and how we need to hang out!! You are a beautiful daughter of the King and don't you dare ever forget it. 

I began to bawl now. I told her so.

She replied saying how God had laid it on her heart to tell me those things, to remind me who I am to Him, and the wonderful friendship I have with Kristen Darby.

My journey towards turning all these feelings over to God has only just begun. But I think I can say that after hearing from Darby and Jeremy, I know God is listening to my "pitiful" prayers and answering them. He is going to take me on a joy ride with the end goal being completely and utterly happy with who He has created me to be.

If you don't have a friend like Kristen, then I advise you get one asap. She is the best. And by the best I mean she is like a sister to me. I love her with all my heart and have been blessed time and time again by the fast friendship her and I have. If it weren't for her love for the Lord, for her listening to His still small whispers, Tuesday night could have ended up differently.

Bucket List

I've wanted to make a "Bucket List" for years...but never done so. So...here we go:

1) Visit the 7 Wonders of the World. Not only would this bring me to 7 different places in this beautiful world, I'd have the opportunity to gaze upon architecture like no other. Seriously. Look at the pyramids of Giza...how the HECK did they do that?!

2) Climb Mount Everest. Hahaha, yeah right.

3) Have kids and name them after my favorite individuals from the Bible. Sounds really "Christiany," right? Think about it though! How neat would it be to name your first son Ezekiel (That's what BJ and I are planning on) which means "God strengthens."

4) Once I have my own home, and LARGE, LARGE yard, I'd love to create my very own garden and greenhouse. After 3 years as a sustainable agriculture major and working in the community garden, it excites me to be able to one day supply my family with fresh vegetables and fruits. Not to mention getting my hands dirty and all scrapped up after hours of working can be very rewarding when the first blossoms are produced :)

5) Visit my Compassion Child! His name is Francis and he lives in Rwanda. I can only pray he enjoys the letters and gifts I send him...and one day, just maybe I can meet the boy face to face and tell him i love him.

6) Coach a soccer team. For the past 15 years I've played soccer and reffed 8 year olds (quite a blast watching them grow in skill!). Now, to coach. Lesson plans are made, tournaments scoped out and team names with coordinating shirts in the making.

...yup. More to come hopefully.

Devos

At the beginning of this year I bought myself a devotional book with the intent to do a devo every day for the rest of the year. So far...I haven't quite fulfilled that. BUT, despite that, I thought i'd share one that hit me pretty hard and can be really applicable, not matter who you are!

Success starts with your thoughts
We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ.  -2 Corinthians 10:5 NLT

Nobody is successful in any venture just by wishing they could be. Successful people make a plan and talk to themselves about that plan constantly. You can think things on purpose, and if you make what you think about match what you actually want to do, your feelings may not like it, but they will go along.
I slept great last night, and when i woke up at 5:00a.m., I didn't feel like getting up. It was so cozy under the fluffy cover, and I felt like staying right there. But I had a plan. I had decided how many hours I would write today, and in order to do that I had to get up. I thought, I am going to get up now, and I got up!
Do you make an effort to choose your thoughts, or do you just meditate on whatever falls into your head, even if it is in total disagreement with what you have said you want out of life? When your thoughts are going in a wrong direction, do you capture them and submit them to Christ as the Bible instructs (see 2 Cor. 10:5)?
I want to encourage you today--the good news is you can change. As I have said for years, we are in a war and the mind is the battlefield. We either win or lose our battles based on winning or losing the war in our minds. Learn to think according to the Word of God, and your emotions will start lining up with your thoughts.
If you have had years of experiencing wrong thinking and letting your emotions lead you as I did, making the change may not be easy, and it will definitely require a commitment of study, time, and effort. But the results will be worth it. Don't say, "I am just an emotional person, and I can't help the way I feel." Take control. You can do it!

Trust in Him: Keep your thoughts in line with the plan God has for your life--a plan to prosper you, and not to harm you (see Jer. 29:11). Take control of your thoughts by trusting them to Him.


I highly recommend this devotional book! It's called "Trusting God day by day" by Joyce Meyer. She has written a lot of other books and devotionals as well, just pick one up and begin, I promise you won't regret it!

Throwing Away a Dream

"Go Kayleigh, Go!" I could always hear my dad from the sidelines of the soccer field cheering me on. Besides that fact that he was louder than every other parent out there, he was also insistent in his praise of my game. I still remember to this day, the two times he asked if he could miss my game because he had to take Maya or Liam somewhere. Just twice. And I've been playing since I was 5 years old.

Some summer, during a year i don't remember, i headed off to Messiah College for their yearly soccer camp along with other girls from my LDC team. After a week of 3-a-day training I came away knowing that this was where i was going to go to college, whatever for i wasn't sure, but i knew i'd be playing soccer. So i began training on my own every day from that point out. Foot skills for an hour, then jog, sprints, shooting drills; repeat. I desired above all else to play for Messiah and was determined i'd be on the team, a National Champion maybe. 

It came around to my junior and senior year of high school, and boy was i feeling great about my skills! Not only was I able to play any defensive position, but mid as well, along with a newly acquired position: Keeper.  My first year went alright, but junior and senior year our high school (Donegal High School) made it as District Finalists and State Champs; BOTH YEARS!!!!!! 

(That's me again! During our State Final Game :)) I was decent i guess, for i had letters coming in from colleges in the East Coast Region asking to come see me play or send a tape of this game, or visit them some weekend. I can't number on 2 hands how many coaches i communicated with over my senior year. But i still had my eyes set on Messiah. Deep down inside, i knew that was where i'd go, no matter how expensive and with a scholarship or not. After politely declining every coach, I was accepted to Messiah and agreed to attend. 

Nothing could stop me now, right? Unfortunately, wrong. I hit a really hard time in my life the middle of my junior year that continued to grow worse as my senior year came to an end. After some intense therapy and numerous doctors appointments i was diagnosed with depression. My self worth had vanished. My self esteem had hit rock bottom. And i no longer cared, or at least thought i no longer did, about being on Messiah's team or not. Some emails were sent between myself and Messiah's coach, but in the end i wasn't mentally ready to give all i had to a team that needed me to give 100%, 100% of the time. It hurt, but i had three more years ahead of me to make it. Somewhere in my first semester, after joining the club team, i figured i had reached a point of mental stability to play for the varsity team. How silly i was.

Coach graciously allowed me onto the roster and i began training in Jterm. I ran as fast and as hard as i could for as long as i could. I lifted weights like it was my job. And i ate healthier than i had ever had before. Here was my dream and i would stop at nothing to play my part. 

Yet, a day came where, after a discussion with the coach, I had to once again, decline the position as keeper for Messiah's varsity team. This time though, i walked away knowing my dream lay crumpled in the waste basket of his office. I had given years of blood, sweat, and tears into a dream i was sure was suppose to happen all for it to come crashing down because i still wasn't emotionally stable.

I don't remember how long i cried for nor the horrible words i spoke to God, but at some point during my crying, a peace like no other came upon me. The stress of trying to be good enough for Messiah's team lifted. The worries of whether or not Coach was please with my slow progress lifted. I had time to do homework again as well as time to hang with the friends i was forced to neglect during training. God had me where He wanted me in that very moment: the moment of understanding. He wasn't going to show my why I needed to be at Messiah College just yet, but He took the time to show me the desires of my heart needed to be in line with His plans for my life. 

Now, 2 whole years later, i can sit and write this. I can talk about a dream i had to throw away without so much as a tear. I can support Messiah's Varsity team with no resentment because God's plans for my life and the deepest desires of my heart finally lined up. Even better, i am still playing for Messiah's Club team and have been blessed beyond belief to call each girl a sister and teammate. Friendships have formed that will last a lifetime and skills and knowledge have been gained that could have only happened in those precious moments on the Rec Sports field.

 To every girl i've played with on Messiah's Club team: I love you. With all my heart.

Can I do this?

I ask myself this question constantly, at least 10 times a day, "Can i do this?"

Last semester, God decided that He had had enough of hitting me over the head with a hammer and instead took an entirely different approach to get me to listen and stop running. What started as a walk to cook myself delicious ramen noodles quickly turned into a convicting session with the Lord. LITERALLY He stopped me in the dead of my tracks to inform me that i WOULD be doing youth ministry for the rest of my life and I DIDN'T have a say in the matter. More kindly, i should stop running and start letting Him lead.

Even quicker than His sledgehammer to the head that Tuesday afternoon, came a flood of insecurities and questions about my unworthiness to minister to youth or anybody in general.  "Can I do this? Why me? What do I have to offer to the youth? I can't even teach! How can i teach from the Bible when I myself do not know it very well? God, you have the wrong person!" Does any of this sound familiar? If so, you may be thinking of Moses.

Moses' encounter with God in the Burning Bush started out great, Moses was going to make such an impact on the lives of the Israelites! Yet, he too, questioned God: (below are just 3 of the examples from this passage)

But Moses said to God, "Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?"(Exodus 3:11)

Then Moses answered, "But behold, they will not believe me or listen to my voice, for they will say, 'The Lord did not appear to you.'" (Exodus 4:1)

But Moses said to the Lord, "Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but i am slow of speech and of tongue." (Exodus 4:10)

Each time the Lord encourages Moses saying that He will be with him, that He will give powerful signs through him, and that He is the very one who formed Moses mouth! Wow! God was going to, and did, use Moses despite how Moses felt about himself and the lack of self esteem he portrayed in speech. What a lovely reminder that 1) God CAN and WILL use ANYBODY He wishes to do His work. He is God after all. 2) God will EQUIP His servant with all that is necessary to complete the task, even if that is through another person (Aaron in Moses' case) or giving them His knowledge. 3) God WILL NOT just leave you hanging once He tells you to go. Every step of the way, He'll provide guidance, reassurance and Love, among other things (obviously).

So to all those who are out there and ask yourself similar questions, who doubt where God is taking you and if you can "add up" to what He has in store for you: don't worry! He has got your back. He, Himself, knit you in your mothers womb and the plans He has for you will be fulfilled through Him; TRUST Him. With all your heart. And with all your mind.

As a youth ministry minor at Messiah College, i feel inadequate to lead and teach youth about Christ. There are classes I am not required to take because I'm a minor and not a major, plus i wouldn't have the time to anyway on top of being a sustainable agriculture major. I NEED those classes, right? Wrong. My pastor, being the wise man that He is, told me that if God has truly called me to youth ministry, that it will happen and He will equip me in every area i lack an increase my knowledge in the areas I already know some about. How comforting! The journey up to my first job as a youth pastor and all the years following may not be easy and will surely be filled with questions, but I am determined to turn to Christ in my doubts and have Him lead me and use me, for surely He will.

This seems like a beneficial idea...

It seems the customary thing to do when starting a blog is to tell about yourself...just a few fun facts, or deep personal things. I like...inbetween-typish-stuff. So that is what i'll do.

1) I've played soccer since i was 4. Nothing compares to it nor gives me the same adrenaline rush; there is just something about fighting as a team for a goal that makes every bruise and scratch worth it. Might as well admit that i find joy in hitting people to, when i can and semi when it is appropriate. What can i say, i REALLY get into it sometimes.

2) Books are addictive. So are puzzles. I'll spend hours reading and getting emotionally invested in a book, or have my eyes glued to a puzzle until the last piece is in. I admit, i cried like a baby when Sirius dies in The Order of the Phoenix. I was emotionally attached and sad to see him go.

3) Heels...no. can. do.

4) When i met my now best friend, i was 5, maybe 6, and treated her kinda meanly. A few years later, we were inseparable. I love her with all my heart <3

5) I attended Donegal High School where I played soccer. My Junior and Senior year our team ended up as District Finalists and won States. Not many memories can best those feelings of utter joy!

6) I don't have one favorite movie, i have many: Remember the Titans, We Are Marshall, Princess Bride, The Lord of the Rings Series, The Harry Potter Series, The Pirates of the Caribbean Series, Secret Window, Willow, Legend, Grease, Tangled, Sleepy Hollow, Alice in Wonderland, Reign of Fire. I could keep going on but i'll spare you.

7) I'm a fan of the Pittsburgh Penguins, New York Yankees, New York Giants, Manchester United, and the U.S. Women's soccer team.

8) God has blessed me with a heart for youth and ministry. Praying that one day i can go into the mission field and work in Africa with children and provide some solutions to agriculture and water.

9) the number 9 is one of my favorite numbers, the other is 23. Why? Mia Hamm was number 9 and David Beckham was number 23. Currently hold number 23 as my own on the Messiah Club team, and proud of it!

A Change of Heart

There are times in your life when you don't ask for change, but God does so anyways. Other times you pray for change and nothing seems to happen. Then there are times when you pray and He answers immediately, not in the way you asked, but in a way that shows you the deepest desires of your heart. I've had one such experience this past Monday.
For 6 years I've looked for the Love only Christ can provide from all the wrong people. Whether that be my own father, best friend, boyfriend or teacher, I have always left feeling further from my goal. In reality, i was. Yet i knew in my head that only Christ could fill the hole i had in my soul, but that knowledge wasn't in my heart. It was not something i yet believed. So i continued searching and continued to push the people i loved the most away. I can't say what finally clicked on Monday morning, maybe it was all in God's timing, but i knew that going into prayer at SWAMP church i had to confess to everyone in that room that i was struggling to find His love, that i was purposely avoiding asking Him to hold my heart.
That night we discussed the supernatural Love of Christ. How His love for us is far greater than we know, far greater than we deserve, and sometimes we need to ask for that love in order to love the people in our lives we find hardest to love. And here lay another struggle. I desired with all i had to love God, even if i struggled to "feel" His love; but i loved Him no more than the hatred i had for another girl in my life. I was reminded of the passage in Matthew 25:31-46 concerning the least of these and how my friend put this entire passage into perspective by saying: "Think of the person you love the least, perhaps the one person you don't love at all. Think of that person. That is the greatest amount of love you can have for Christ."
WOW! How little my love was! Here i was, thinking i loved Christ more than most, but i DIDN'T. I was a hypocrite.
Again, God moment, when Char called me out at prayer night, knowing i was struggling with the supernatural love of Christ in both areas of my life. I confessed and sat in the middle of the group. The moment they started praying i felt the Hand of God on my shoulder. Literally, i could have drawn an outline of His hand on my back. A peace filled me. Love filled me. No longer was there a hole in my heart. No longer was there hatred for a girl who didn't deserve it. Supernatural Love came in and made its home in my heart. I can't say i am a different person, but i can say i had a change of heart.