Back to Reality

I got engaged last night.

I GOT ENGAGED LAST NIGHT.

HOLY CRAP, I GOT ENGAGED LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Can you tell how excited, happy, and enthusiastic I am?!

And I'm sure you're looking for a story too, aren't ya? Well, I got one for you :)



Last night, BJ and I were talking and by the end of the conversation I really felt I needed to confess to him what was on my heart. So I did. I confessed to being selfish and impatient because of a growing jealousy and anger towards his younger brother who had gotten engaged close to the end of last year. My "excuses:" they hadn't been dating as long, what about finances, aren't the oldest siblings in the family suppose to get married first?

I have the worse excuses ever. Seriously. What was I thinking? I wasn't.

So, there I sat, basically admitting to BJ I wasn't ok with where we were at in our relationship. I don't know how he kept his cool, but he did. He didn't judge. He didn't accuse me of being wrong. He forgave me.

At this point tears are streaming down my face, super unattractive, and I ask him to do me one simple favor: to stop asking me to marry him (in the joking way he has been doing for a few weeks) so that I can learn to be content with our relationship exactly where it is at. I owed him that, after everything. He agreed and then.........................................................

HE ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM!

I was confused, bewildered, semi-angryish (but not a lot!) and happy in a what-the-heck-are-you-serious-right-now kind of way. He had to be kidding! But he wasn't. He got up, and opened a silver gray box to reveal the most gorgeous engagement ring i'd ever seen. It's silver, with one high circular diamond surrounded on the left and right with three diamonds that create a heart shape. It wasn't gold like he had wanted, it was silver like I was wanted. Through all this, through my impatience and jealousy and disrespect he had listened to my request of having a silver ring. Maybe that doesn't seem of importance to you, but it meant the world to me. He could love me at my worst. And now there is a ring on my finger!

It wasn't a planned proposal, nor one that required lots of money and time (other than actually ring shopping...). It was simple. Perfect. And will forever be etched in my mind as the day the love of my life asked me to marry him.

That's our story.




All this happened last night. Now, this morning, both BJ and I headed to work on the farm at 4:00am. EARLY! On the way there, I kept being amazed at the grace and forgiveness BJ had shown me in not only forgiving my super selfish actions and words, but in the span of 10 minutes, also ask me to marry him.

That's when God showed up and in a voice, not small or still he said to me: Have not I shown you grace and forgiveness beyond what even he can? Have not I listened to your every prayer and request and answered them? How many times have you praised me in times of great joy, how many times have you looked at me with the love you look at him, as you do BJ? 

Gulp. (x3).

Truthfully, in times of praise...I don't thank God first, or enough, or sometimes I don't even thank Him at all. I take it for granted. And looking at my God with love? I don't do that often at all. Maybe it's because humans are physical creatures, I can see them and touch them. God, I "can't." But my God is in everything: me, the trees, grass, dogs, wind and the sky. All it would take is a glance upwards towards Heaven and an honest cry of joy from the heart, but I don't do that.

From now on, I will. Yes, there will be times when I don't but I am determined to learn from those experiences. It's time to praise God for everything. In the good and bad. First. Not second or last, praise Him first.

God is good people, God is good.

Our Differences are Making Us Stronger

You see that guy in the background? Yeah him. This is about us and how two people with different personalities and characteristics have made each other stronger along the way.

For some the saying, "Opposites Attract" is total bogus. It didn't turn out well or things were better off at the friendship level.Others, like myself, are firm believers in this simple saying because the frustrations of another person's personality are met with joy, a learning attitude, and patience. For example:

BJ   

1. Sees life as spontaneous, you just never know what is going on until it happens
2. Time doesn't mean a whole lot. Not an important event? Arrive when told, maybe even a few minutes late. Important event? Arrive exactly when it starts. 
3. Get things done to get them done. Don't not try, but don't fret if it isn't completely up to par.
4.   Injured? Hurting? Sit out.                                                                

Kayleigh

1. Life needs to be a little more planned. keep a calendar, marks important dates and times. Always bring extra everything/anything...because others are spontaneous and at least someone has gotta be ready.
2. Time is everything. Important event? Arrive at least 10 minutes early. If it is a soccer game (like my dad has taught me) leave extra time to get lost just incase and plan on being there at least 30 minutes early. Not an important event? Still arrive 10 minutes early.
3. Do things, such as homework, with all ya got. Make sure all guidelines are met and add something extra, ya never know when a teacher will handout extra credit or praise you for the hard work.
4. Injured? Hurt? You should see the other person, and yes, I am still playing. 

Some pretty big differences there. Ok so nothing SUPER different that causes major clashes and second guessing the relationship, but differences nonetheless that him and I have to work out. I've been in relationships prior to dating BJ and they've all been with individuals who were similar to me in likes and dislikes almost to a T. There just wasn't room for growth, at least, the kind of growth I was looking for and needed. But this relationship, holy cow. There are times where I just want to rip my hair out because I don't get how someone doesn't leave an extra 20 minutes early during bad weather to get to an event that is important, you just don't know what you may encounter on the way! 

It has been these differences though, that have made a difference in our relationship. Each day there are things we could complain about, harass each other about, perhaps even fight over, but we've chosen to see those things as a time to discuss why we view it that way and how it could benefit the other person. 

Example: I stress out about homework WAY MORE than I should. Guidelines and due dates are struggling to be met because I want not to achieve, but overachieve. BJ swoops in for the win as he helps me to see that there are times in my college career where I am going to have to turn in a paper that meets the guidelines and that is it. I've got to be ok with that because my stress levels are not healthy. He has helped me see that, and I continue to grow stronger in that area due to his support. 

BJ, on the other hand, doesn't schedule things very well, or write dates down in a planner to know what's going on and when. Sooooooooooo, there have been several times over the past 2 and a half years where two semi-important events are planned on the same day and he doesn't realize it until the day of! MAJOR yikes on my part. Needless to say, I think he is becoming better at writing events down, even on his calendar on his phone, just to be sure. (I'm rubbing off on him...finally! at least...i'd like to think I am.)

Anyways, it's been such a blessing being in a relationship where my own views are challenged and strengthened as well as developing new habits that are maybe a bit healthier than my own. It really has gone both ways and overall, i think we'll stay the same people as listed above, but our relationship is going to allow us to continue learning, continue to grow stronger together, and teach us patience. 

And that, my friends, is pretty stinkn' cool.

Blessing in Disguise

As many of you may have seen, over the weekend my computer decided it would no longer work. I hit the power button and...nothing. "Freaking fantastic." 

Now, I am now a person who curses...but gosh was I close! Not only had my computer crashed, but i kept everything...everything on that computer. School work. Reports. Exam study guides. Essays in progress. You name it, it was on there. But all it took was one morning for it not to work and all those things POOF! Gone. Worse yet, I can't get any of it back. 

Let me tell ya, I was bitter! And still am somewhat, but through all of this and the past few days of not having my laptop a blessing emerged: I wasn't spending needless time on facebook, twitter, pinterest, and games when i should be doing homework. yes, all my homework was on that laptop, but i could restart some of it using the computers in the library...the thing is...is wasn't my own and I couldn't have it out whenever. so during the two classes i use it in, i sat and took notes instead of surfed the web when lecture got boring. I understood vocab mentioned in class and how it related to the last section of reading because my ears were tuned into my professors. At night, when I had just finished a long day of classes and work, I could go to bed without opening my laptop and getting on facebook for an hour looking at pictures i had seen a dozen times. Homework was getting done quicker because i wasn't distracted...and the time i had opened was filled with friends. Dinners. Lunches. Desserts. Tanning on Bitner beach. I had time i didn't allow myself to have before. 

It is still very hard not having a laptop with me. It is still tempting to be bitter and blame God for not fixing my computer when i prayed over it. It is even better to commit those feelings all to Him and trust in His timing and thank Him for the blessings He has bestowed upon me these past 3 days.

God is good. All the time.

11:59 p.m. text

Confession time: I don't think I'm beautiful. I struggle to find my purpose in life and where I fit in despite going to college, playing soccer, and having a strong friend group. Some days, it's even harder for me to find my personal worth and value.

To explain where all these negative feelings come from would take pages upon endless pages of depressing experiences that I'll graciously spare you. Yet, they are still here. They are still the things I feel and think.

I can look back through my life and see how God has worked in me, through me, and around me, however that may appear. He's done miracles before my eyes and guided me along the way. But somehow turning to Him to find worth, value, purpose (and shall I say, 'prettiness') was not an option? I neglected to see how He could listen to such pitiful mumbling of a teenage girl struggling with "normal, every day" things. No wonder it has taken me over 4 years to realize HE DOES CARE!

Sometime this past Monday, I got to thinking about all this. All the feelings of unworthiness, little value, and so on...and frankly, I got pretty depressed. It hung with me through the next day until I talked with BJ (God has granted him an endless supply of patience, I SWEAR!) about all I was feeling and how there was nowhere to turn to get help to feel pretty again. Thank goodness he is wise beyond his years and simply instructed me to pray and turn it all over to God. Under my breath on the way to Theology of Ministry class I muttered to myself, "God, help me feel beautiful. Help me to be content with who I am." Simple, right?

I was in for more than I knew when class started and we had a guest speaker named Jeremy Ritch. This guy is insane. In the best of ways, and I truly mean that. He was tattooed all over the place, far different looking than any pastor I had ever laid eyes on, and his life had been one of great strife and questioning. Having grown up doing drugs and alcohol, going to church because his mother made him and after being kicked out of numerous churches for his tattoos, he eventually came to Christ and later started his ministry. Jeremy ministers to guys at bars, the homosexuals, transvestites, those who've changed sex, and so on. Yet Christians tell him he CAN'T and SHOULDN'T because of who they are. Admits all of this, he brought up what we've all heard time and time again in church: We are made in God's image. God does NOT screw up in making us. We are BEAUTIFUL, just the way we are. And where we are at in life is exactly where He wants us to be. Not guna lie, this was the first time it hit me.

Hours later, after much reflection on what Jeremy Ritch had talked about and just how profound it is to be created in the image of God, I began to cry. Cry because I still felt lost.

It was then, at 11:59 p.m. I got a text from my best friend Kristen Darby, and this is what it said: Dearest Kayleigh, I am contacting you for the purpose  of informing you that i love you :) hahaha today I was overwhelmed with how much i miss you and how awesome you are and how we need to hang out!! You are a beautiful daughter of the King and don't you dare ever forget it. 

I began to bawl now. I told her so.

She replied saying how God had laid it on her heart to tell me those things, to remind me who I am to Him, and the wonderful friendship I have with Kristen Darby.

My journey towards turning all these feelings over to God has only just begun. But I think I can say that after hearing from Darby and Jeremy, I know God is listening to my "pitiful" prayers and answering them. He is going to take me on a joy ride with the end goal being completely and utterly happy with who He has created me to be.

If you don't have a friend like Kristen, then I advise you get one asap. She is the best. And by the best I mean she is like a sister to me. I love her with all my heart and have been blessed time and time again by the fast friendship her and I have. If it weren't for her love for the Lord, for her listening to His still small whispers, Tuesday night could have ended up differently.

Bucket List

I've wanted to make a "Bucket List" for years...but never done so. So...here we go:

1) Visit the 7 Wonders of the World. Not only would this bring me to 7 different places in this beautiful world, I'd have the opportunity to gaze upon architecture like no other. Seriously. Look at the pyramids of Giza...how the HECK did they do that?!

2) Climb Mount Everest. Hahaha, yeah right.

3) Have kids and name them after my favorite individuals from the Bible. Sounds really "Christiany," right? Think about it though! How neat would it be to name your first son Ezekiel (That's what BJ and I are planning on) which means "God strengthens."

4) Once I have my own home, and LARGE, LARGE yard, I'd love to create my very own garden and greenhouse. After 3 years as a sustainable agriculture major and working in the community garden, it excites me to be able to one day supply my family with fresh vegetables and fruits. Not to mention getting my hands dirty and all scrapped up after hours of working can be very rewarding when the first blossoms are produced :)

5) Visit my Compassion Child! His name is Francis and he lives in Rwanda. I can only pray he enjoys the letters and gifts I send him...and one day, just maybe I can meet the boy face to face and tell him i love him.

6) Coach a soccer team. For the past 15 years I've played soccer and reffed 8 year olds (quite a blast watching them grow in skill!). Now, to coach. Lesson plans are made, tournaments scoped out and team names with coordinating shirts in the making.

...yup. More to come hopefully.

Devos

At the beginning of this year I bought myself a devotional book with the intent to do a devo every day for the rest of the year. So far...I haven't quite fulfilled that. BUT, despite that, I thought i'd share one that hit me pretty hard and can be really applicable, not matter who you are!

Success starts with your thoughts
We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ.  -2 Corinthians 10:5 NLT

Nobody is successful in any venture just by wishing they could be. Successful people make a plan and talk to themselves about that plan constantly. You can think things on purpose, and if you make what you think about match what you actually want to do, your feelings may not like it, but they will go along.
I slept great last night, and when i woke up at 5:00a.m., I didn't feel like getting up. It was so cozy under the fluffy cover, and I felt like staying right there. But I had a plan. I had decided how many hours I would write today, and in order to do that I had to get up. I thought, I am going to get up now, and I got up!
Do you make an effort to choose your thoughts, or do you just meditate on whatever falls into your head, even if it is in total disagreement with what you have said you want out of life? When your thoughts are going in a wrong direction, do you capture them and submit them to Christ as the Bible instructs (see 2 Cor. 10:5)?
I want to encourage you today--the good news is you can change. As I have said for years, we are in a war and the mind is the battlefield. We either win or lose our battles based on winning or losing the war in our minds. Learn to think according to the Word of God, and your emotions will start lining up with your thoughts.
If you have had years of experiencing wrong thinking and letting your emotions lead you as I did, making the change may not be easy, and it will definitely require a commitment of study, time, and effort. But the results will be worth it. Don't say, "I am just an emotional person, and I can't help the way I feel." Take control. You can do it!

Trust in Him: Keep your thoughts in line with the plan God has for your life--a plan to prosper you, and not to harm you (see Jer. 29:11). Take control of your thoughts by trusting them to Him.


I highly recommend this devotional book! It's called "Trusting God day by day" by Joyce Meyer. She has written a lot of other books and devotionals as well, just pick one up and begin, I promise you won't regret it!

Throwing Away a Dream

"Go Kayleigh, Go!" I could always hear my dad from the sidelines of the soccer field cheering me on. Besides that fact that he was louder than every other parent out there, he was also insistent in his praise of my game. I still remember to this day, the two times he asked if he could miss my game because he had to take Maya or Liam somewhere. Just twice. And I've been playing since I was 5 years old.

Some summer, during a year i don't remember, i headed off to Messiah College for their yearly soccer camp along with other girls from my LDC team. After a week of 3-a-day training I came away knowing that this was where i was going to go to college, whatever for i wasn't sure, but i knew i'd be playing soccer. So i began training on my own every day from that point out. Foot skills for an hour, then jog, sprints, shooting drills; repeat. I desired above all else to play for Messiah and was determined i'd be on the team, a National Champion maybe. 

It came around to my junior and senior year of high school, and boy was i feeling great about my skills! Not only was I able to play any defensive position, but mid as well, along with a newly acquired position: Keeper.  My first year went alright, but junior and senior year our high school (Donegal High School) made it as District Finalists and State Champs; BOTH YEARS!!!!!! 

(That's me again! During our State Final Game :)) I was decent i guess, for i had letters coming in from colleges in the East Coast Region asking to come see me play or send a tape of this game, or visit them some weekend. I can't number on 2 hands how many coaches i communicated with over my senior year. But i still had my eyes set on Messiah. Deep down inside, i knew that was where i'd go, no matter how expensive and with a scholarship or not. After politely declining every coach, I was accepted to Messiah and agreed to attend. 

Nothing could stop me now, right? Unfortunately, wrong. I hit a really hard time in my life the middle of my junior year that continued to grow worse as my senior year came to an end. After some intense therapy and numerous doctors appointments i was diagnosed with depression. My self worth had vanished. My self esteem had hit rock bottom. And i no longer cared, or at least thought i no longer did, about being on Messiah's team or not. Some emails were sent between myself and Messiah's coach, but in the end i wasn't mentally ready to give all i had to a team that needed me to give 100%, 100% of the time. It hurt, but i had three more years ahead of me to make it. Somewhere in my first semester, after joining the club team, i figured i had reached a point of mental stability to play for the varsity team. How silly i was.

Coach graciously allowed me onto the roster and i began training in Jterm. I ran as fast and as hard as i could for as long as i could. I lifted weights like it was my job. And i ate healthier than i had ever had before. Here was my dream and i would stop at nothing to play my part. 

Yet, a day came where, after a discussion with the coach, I had to once again, decline the position as keeper for Messiah's varsity team. This time though, i walked away knowing my dream lay crumpled in the waste basket of his office. I had given years of blood, sweat, and tears into a dream i was sure was suppose to happen all for it to come crashing down because i still wasn't emotionally stable.

I don't remember how long i cried for nor the horrible words i spoke to God, but at some point during my crying, a peace like no other came upon me. The stress of trying to be good enough for Messiah's team lifted. The worries of whether or not Coach was please with my slow progress lifted. I had time to do homework again as well as time to hang with the friends i was forced to neglect during training. God had me where He wanted me in that very moment: the moment of understanding. He wasn't going to show my why I needed to be at Messiah College just yet, but He took the time to show me the desires of my heart needed to be in line with His plans for my life. 

Now, 2 whole years later, i can sit and write this. I can talk about a dream i had to throw away without so much as a tear. I can support Messiah's Varsity team with no resentment because God's plans for my life and the deepest desires of my heart finally lined up. Even better, i am still playing for Messiah's Club team and have been blessed beyond belief to call each girl a sister and teammate. Friendships have formed that will last a lifetime and skills and knowledge have been gained that could have only happened in those precious moments on the Rec Sports field.

 To every girl i've played with on Messiah's Club team: I love you. With all my heart.