Left. Me. Speechless.

One of my more recent facebook status updates read this:

 

I hear so often the phrase, "A picture is worth a thousand words," and although that may be true, a thousand words is sometimes not adequate to describe the places and experiences one has been. This past Thursday and Friday I spent traveling to some of the prettiest places I have ever been...while taking pictures and reviewing them I realized, none of these pictures are satisfactory. None of them ...capture the true beauty of what I am seeing. Experiences, my friends, are worth no words, for experiences like this week leave me speechless. In a place so beautiful and majestic, it is best to meditate on the all-powerful and perfect Creator. It was in the moments and experiences like these past two days my passion for sustainable agriculture was revived, my sense of purpose and calling evident. As I sit here writing this, a tear trickles down my face. Although spiritually I am ready to go Home, I can stand in confidence that I live in a world so full of wonders amidst the bad, and that my every action has the chance to benefit what surrounds me. What a wonderful gift it is to live this life, on this earth, with these people, serving my God.

 

 

Let me elaborate just a bit:

 

"What did I see?" you ask? My answer: I saw two pods of orcas twice in one day when no pods had been seen in a week; I saw two eagles clasp talons and plummet to the ocean below, only to break their bond and fly up high again; there were seals galore; golden eagles flying above my head; old growth forest with trees 5x larger than anything we have here in PA;  I saw friends tear up at VESPERS; hands raised high in worship; I saw sunsets that left me speechless.

 

I took pictures of EVERYTHING! Ok, minus friends crying and raising hands...and unfortunately not a picture of the eagles clasping talons. But what hit me while on my camping trip in the Olympic Mountains was that no picture could adequately portray the sounds, smells, and colors of what we all experienced in Washington. A video would have gotten sound...and a picture some of the colors, but nothing to equal the actual experience.

 

Looking back through my pictures on my camera, as I scroll from one to the next, I sigh because i'll never experience those things again just the way they were. Sometimes I would get so bogged down in taking pictures I wouldn't actually take the time and soak up my surroundings. Although I think I have some great pictures of my time at Au Sable, I regret not taking more time to spend in nature and simply gazing upon Creation or worshiping my Creator.

 

My goal from now on is to first: focus more on nature, less on taking pictures. Second: thank God for each and every plant and animal I see...even the ones I don't like! Third: Worship. However that may look for that particular situation. Fourth: maybe take some pictures. Fifth: come away from that place loving the experiences of smelling, hearing and seeing while being thankful for the very few (if any) pictures I took. I think God has given me the talent of photography and is glad I am using it...but I also think He'd love if I spent more time praising what He has made instead of absently photographing it then looking at pictures later.

 

But to end this all, I want to share some of my favorite pictures from the trip and am praying that you take the time to praise God for each, for creating such a spectacular earth, and for giving us humans the job of caring for it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

FLEETING: Au Sable Style

As many of you know, I am currently at Au Sable Institute of Environmental Science for 5 weeks. I am taking two classes: Ecological Agriculture and Sustainability along with International Development. During our class yesterday we were asked to write in our reflection journals the word "fleeting" and could either write about that, or whatever we wished. I chose to take up "fleeting" and what it means to me, and I decided I wanted to share just a few of my random thoughts. Forgive me if any of the thoughts are incomplete, my mind was racing and I wrote down what I could get out in the time given to me.

FLEETING

Here for a second, then gone. That's what fleeting is. What was changes in the blink of an eye and everything will never go back to how it was. The 3 ants moving at my feet will never be in the same position they are just this second along with how the wind is moving through the trees, etc. Every second the earth is experiencing its first time being in that state. Like the orcas we saw today. In comparison to the earth's life, their lives are over quickly. Just like our lives. Fleeting.

So what can one do in a fleeting moment? If we give every second to a cause while we are alive, what can we accomplish? Who can we help? What benefits? For the earth's sake, and the sake of those yet to be born into this world, I hope I benefit the least.

In this fleeting moment I call life, what will I fight for? Who will I help? Because even though it is a fleeting moment, everything changes and will never be the same.

Ministry Advice

Alrighty everyone...i'm in need of some solid ministry advice! First, the situation:

There are a few guys I work with during the day for 7 hours a day have both admitted to being atheists. From their use of foul language of nouns, verbs, adjectives and basically any part of a sentence you can think of as well as their choice of conversation topics...it was pretty evident from the start they didn't know Christ.

I never really thought it would be that bad until...things got worse. I wont say what, exactly, but their topic of conversation shifted in a direction that I find horrifying. The one guy sees foul language as just another set of words to use whenever...he sees swear words (all of them) as part of the English language and therefore perfectly ok to use in conversations with Christians, his boss, friends, family, etc. Apparently, they are just words with no meaning attached to them and therefore, cannot be offensive. The other individual swears almost as much but at least knows when to keep his mouth shut.

Both atheists, both guys who swear, both individuals with a lifestyle that makes me shiver. Everyone has continued to tell me they will keep this situation in their prayers. Members of SWAMP church have prayed over it as well and prayed for wisdom on my part. Others tell me my actions speak louder than words and that I must continue to show them love, respect, and hold to the beliefs I have so that maybe, just maybe, they can see that not all Christians are hypocrites.

Yet, I wish there was more I could do. And this is where all of you who are reading this can jump in...you are the advice I need! Maybe some of you have been in a similar situation and can give me some pointers on what worked and what didn't work. Maybe there are some verses you found useful to have memorized to use during conversations or just verses you found encouraging along the tough journey of ministering to someone who doesn't acknowledge Christ. Or maybe something else, some other pieces of advice, anything.

And for those of you who may say "I don't have much advice to offer other than what has already been offered" I ask that you pray (even those that do have advice to give!). Pray that God can continue to work in me and through me to minister to those in the workplace; that I can listen to the whispers of the Holy Spirit, have the wisdom to discern what He is say to do, and the courage to do it. Pray that God can speak into their lives and that their hearts can be opened to what He is doing around them. The summer most likely will not end with them confessing belief in Christ (but GOSH! that would be a miracle!!), but if we can get them to begin to question and looking for answers, God can take that small seed planted in their hearts and make it grow.

Back to Reality

I got engaged last night.

I GOT ENGAGED LAST NIGHT.

HOLY CRAP, I GOT ENGAGED LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Can you tell how excited, happy, and enthusiastic I am?!

And I'm sure you're looking for a story too, aren't ya? Well, I got one for you :)



Last night, BJ and I were talking and by the end of the conversation I really felt I needed to confess to him what was on my heart. So I did. I confessed to being selfish and impatient because of a growing jealousy and anger towards his younger brother who had gotten engaged close to the end of last year. My "excuses:" they hadn't been dating as long, what about finances, aren't the oldest siblings in the family suppose to get married first?

I have the worse excuses ever. Seriously. What was I thinking? I wasn't.

So, there I sat, basically admitting to BJ I wasn't ok with where we were at in our relationship. I don't know how he kept his cool, but he did. He didn't judge. He didn't accuse me of being wrong. He forgave me.

At this point tears are streaming down my face, super unattractive, and I ask him to do me one simple favor: to stop asking me to marry him (in the joking way he has been doing for a few weeks) so that I can learn to be content with our relationship exactly where it is at. I owed him that, after everything. He agreed and then.........................................................

HE ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM!

I was confused, bewildered, semi-angryish (but not a lot!) and happy in a what-the-heck-are-you-serious-right-now kind of way. He had to be kidding! But he wasn't. He got up, and opened a silver gray box to reveal the most gorgeous engagement ring i'd ever seen. It's silver, with one high circular diamond surrounded on the left and right with three diamonds that create a heart shape. It wasn't gold like he had wanted, it was silver like I was wanted. Through all this, through my impatience and jealousy and disrespect he had listened to my request of having a silver ring. Maybe that doesn't seem of importance to you, but it meant the world to me. He could love me at my worst. And now there is a ring on my finger!

It wasn't a planned proposal, nor one that required lots of money and time (other than actually ring shopping...). It was simple. Perfect. And will forever be etched in my mind as the day the love of my life asked me to marry him.

That's our story.




All this happened last night. Now, this morning, both BJ and I headed to work on the farm at 4:00am. EARLY! On the way there, I kept being amazed at the grace and forgiveness BJ had shown me in not only forgiving my super selfish actions and words, but in the span of 10 minutes, also ask me to marry him.

That's when God showed up and in a voice, not small or still he said to me: Have not I shown you grace and forgiveness beyond what even he can? Have not I listened to your every prayer and request and answered them? How many times have you praised me in times of great joy, how many times have you looked at me with the love you look at him, as you do BJ? 

Gulp. (x3).

Truthfully, in times of praise...I don't thank God first, or enough, or sometimes I don't even thank Him at all. I take it for granted. And looking at my God with love? I don't do that often at all. Maybe it's because humans are physical creatures, I can see them and touch them. God, I "can't." But my God is in everything: me, the trees, grass, dogs, wind and the sky. All it would take is a glance upwards towards Heaven and an honest cry of joy from the heart, but I don't do that.

From now on, I will. Yes, there will be times when I don't but I am determined to learn from those experiences. It's time to praise God for everything. In the good and bad. First. Not second or last, praise Him first.

God is good people, God is good.

Our Differences are Making Us Stronger

You see that guy in the background? Yeah him. This is about us and how two people with different personalities and characteristics have made each other stronger along the way.

For some the saying, "Opposites Attract" is total bogus. It didn't turn out well or things were better off at the friendship level.Others, like myself, are firm believers in this simple saying because the frustrations of another person's personality are met with joy, a learning attitude, and patience. For example:

BJ   

1. Sees life as spontaneous, you just never know what is going on until it happens
2. Time doesn't mean a whole lot. Not an important event? Arrive when told, maybe even a few minutes late. Important event? Arrive exactly when it starts. 
3. Get things done to get them done. Don't not try, but don't fret if it isn't completely up to par.
4.   Injured? Hurting? Sit out.                                                                

Kayleigh

1. Life needs to be a little more planned. keep a calendar, marks important dates and times. Always bring extra everything/anything...because others are spontaneous and at least someone has gotta be ready.
2. Time is everything. Important event? Arrive at least 10 minutes early. If it is a soccer game (like my dad has taught me) leave extra time to get lost just incase and plan on being there at least 30 minutes early. Not an important event? Still arrive 10 minutes early.
3. Do things, such as homework, with all ya got. Make sure all guidelines are met and add something extra, ya never know when a teacher will handout extra credit or praise you for the hard work.
4. Injured? Hurt? You should see the other person, and yes, I am still playing. 

Some pretty big differences there. Ok so nothing SUPER different that causes major clashes and second guessing the relationship, but differences nonetheless that him and I have to work out. I've been in relationships prior to dating BJ and they've all been with individuals who were similar to me in likes and dislikes almost to a T. There just wasn't room for growth, at least, the kind of growth I was looking for and needed. But this relationship, holy cow. There are times where I just want to rip my hair out because I don't get how someone doesn't leave an extra 20 minutes early during bad weather to get to an event that is important, you just don't know what you may encounter on the way! 

It has been these differences though, that have made a difference in our relationship. Each day there are things we could complain about, harass each other about, perhaps even fight over, but we've chosen to see those things as a time to discuss why we view it that way and how it could benefit the other person. 

Example: I stress out about homework WAY MORE than I should. Guidelines and due dates are struggling to be met because I want not to achieve, but overachieve. BJ swoops in for the win as he helps me to see that there are times in my college career where I am going to have to turn in a paper that meets the guidelines and that is it. I've got to be ok with that because my stress levels are not healthy. He has helped me see that, and I continue to grow stronger in that area due to his support. 

BJ, on the other hand, doesn't schedule things very well, or write dates down in a planner to know what's going on and when. Sooooooooooo, there have been several times over the past 2 and a half years where two semi-important events are planned on the same day and he doesn't realize it until the day of! MAJOR yikes on my part. Needless to say, I think he is becoming better at writing events down, even on his calendar on his phone, just to be sure. (I'm rubbing off on him...finally! at least...i'd like to think I am.)

Anyways, it's been such a blessing being in a relationship where my own views are challenged and strengthened as well as developing new habits that are maybe a bit healthier than my own. It really has gone both ways and overall, i think we'll stay the same people as listed above, but our relationship is going to allow us to continue learning, continue to grow stronger together, and teach us patience. 

And that, my friends, is pretty stinkn' cool.

Blessing in Disguise

As many of you may have seen, over the weekend my computer decided it would no longer work. I hit the power button and...nothing. "Freaking fantastic." 

Now, I am now a person who curses...but gosh was I close! Not only had my computer crashed, but i kept everything...everything on that computer. School work. Reports. Exam study guides. Essays in progress. You name it, it was on there. But all it took was one morning for it not to work and all those things POOF! Gone. Worse yet, I can't get any of it back. 

Let me tell ya, I was bitter! And still am somewhat, but through all of this and the past few days of not having my laptop a blessing emerged: I wasn't spending needless time on facebook, twitter, pinterest, and games when i should be doing homework. yes, all my homework was on that laptop, but i could restart some of it using the computers in the library...the thing is...is wasn't my own and I couldn't have it out whenever. so during the two classes i use it in, i sat and took notes instead of surfed the web when lecture got boring. I understood vocab mentioned in class and how it related to the last section of reading because my ears were tuned into my professors. At night, when I had just finished a long day of classes and work, I could go to bed without opening my laptop and getting on facebook for an hour looking at pictures i had seen a dozen times. Homework was getting done quicker because i wasn't distracted...and the time i had opened was filled with friends. Dinners. Lunches. Desserts. Tanning on Bitner beach. I had time i didn't allow myself to have before. 

It is still very hard not having a laptop with me. It is still tempting to be bitter and blame God for not fixing my computer when i prayed over it. It is even better to commit those feelings all to Him and trust in His timing and thank Him for the blessings He has bestowed upon me these past 3 days.

God is good. All the time.

11:59 p.m. text

Confession time: I don't think I'm beautiful. I struggle to find my purpose in life and where I fit in despite going to college, playing soccer, and having a strong friend group. Some days, it's even harder for me to find my personal worth and value.

To explain where all these negative feelings come from would take pages upon endless pages of depressing experiences that I'll graciously spare you. Yet, they are still here. They are still the things I feel and think.

I can look back through my life and see how God has worked in me, through me, and around me, however that may appear. He's done miracles before my eyes and guided me along the way. But somehow turning to Him to find worth, value, purpose (and shall I say, 'prettiness') was not an option? I neglected to see how He could listen to such pitiful mumbling of a teenage girl struggling with "normal, every day" things. No wonder it has taken me over 4 years to realize HE DOES CARE!

Sometime this past Monday, I got to thinking about all this. All the feelings of unworthiness, little value, and so on...and frankly, I got pretty depressed. It hung with me through the next day until I talked with BJ (God has granted him an endless supply of patience, I SWEAR!) about all I was feeling and how there was nowhere to turn to get help to feel pretty again. Thank goodness he is wise beyond his years and simply instructed me to pray and turn it all over to God. Under my breath on the way to Theology of Ministry class I muttered to myself, "God, help me feel beautiful. Help me to be content with who I am." Simple, right?

I was in for more than I knew when class started and we had a guest speaker named Jeremy Ritch. This guy is insane. In the best of ways, and I truly mean that. He was tattooed all over the place, far different looking than any pastor I had ever laid eyes on, and his life had been one of great strife and questioning. Having grown up doing drugs and alcohol, going to church because his mother made him and after being kicked out of numerous churches for his tattoos, he eventually came to Christ and later started his ministry. Jeremy ministers to guys at bars, the homosexuals, transvestites, those who've changed sex, and so on. Yet Christians tell him he CAN'T and SHOULDN'T because of who they are. Admits all of this, he brought up what we've all heard time and time again in church: We are made in God's image. God does NOT screw up in making us. We are BEAUTIFUL, just the way we are. And where we are at in life is exactly where He wants us to be. Not guna lie, this was the first time it hit me.

Hours later, after much reflection on what Jeremy Ritch had talked about and just how profound it is to be created in the image of God, I began to cry. Cry because I still felt lost.

It was then, at 11:59 p.m. I got a text from my best friend Kristen Darby, and this is what it said: Dearest Kayleigh, I am contacting you for the purpose  of informing you that i love you :) hahaha today I was overwhelmed with how much i miss you and how awesome you are and how we need to hang out!! You are a beautiful daughter of the King and don't you dare ever forget it. 

I began to bawl now. I told her so.

She replied saying how God had laid it on her heart to tell me those things, to remind me who I am to Him, and the wonderful friendship I have with Kristen Darby.

My journey towards turning all these feelings over to God has only just begun. But I think I can say that after hearing from Darby and Jeremy, I know God is listening to my "pitiful" prayers and answering them. He is going to take me on a joy ride with the end goal being completely and utterly happy with who He has created me to be.

If you don't have a friend like Kristen, then I advise you get one asap. She is the best. And by the best I mean she is like a sister to me. I love her with all my heart and have been blessed time and time again by the fast friendship her and I have. If it weren't for her love for the Lord, for her listening to His still small whispers, Tuesday night could have ended up differently.