Throwing Away a Dream

"Go Kayleigh, Go!" I could always hear my dad from the sidelines of the soccer field cheering me on. Besides that fact that he was louder than every other parent out there, he was also insistent in his praise of my game. I still remember to this day, the two times he asked if he could miss my game because he had to take Maya or Liam somewhere. Just twice. And I've been playing since I was 5 years old.

Some summer, during a year i don't remember, i headed off to Messiah College for their yearly soccer camp along with other girls from my LDC team. After a week of 3-a-day training I came away knowing that this was where i was going to go to college, whatever for i wasn't sure, but i knew i'd be playing soccer. So i began training on my own every day from that point out. Foot skills for an hour, then jog, sprints, shooting drills; repeat. I desired above all else to play for Messiah and was determined i'd be on the team, a National Champion maybe. 

It came around to my junior and senior year of high school, and boy was i feeling great about my skills! Not only was I able to play any defensive position, but mid as well, along with a newly acquired position: Keeper.  My first year went alright, but junior and senior year our high school (Donegal High School) made it as District Finalists and State Champs; BOTH YEARS!!!!!! 

(That's me again! During our State Final Game :)) I was decent i guess, for i had letters coming in from colleges in the East Coast Region asking to come see me play or send a tape of this game, or visit them some weekend. I can't number on 2 hands how many coaches i communicated with over my senior year. But i still had my eyes set on Messiah. Deep down inside, i knew that was where i'd go, no matter how expensive and with a scholarship or not. After politely declining every coach, I was accepted to Messiah and agreed to attend. 

Nothing could stop me now, right? Unfortunately, wrong. I hit a really hard time in my life the middle of my junior year that continued to grow worse as my senior year came to an end. After some intense therapy and numerous doctors appointments i was diagnosed with depression. My self worth had vanished. My self esteem had hit rock bottom. And i no longer cared, or at least thought i no longer did, about being on Messiah's team or not. Some emails were sent between myself and Messiah's coach, but in the end i wasn't mentally ready to give all i had to a team that needed me to give 100%, 100% of the time. It hurt, but i had three more years ahead of me to make it. Somewhere in my first semester, after joining the club team, i figured i had reached a point of mental stability to play for the varsity team. How silly i was.

Coach graciously allowed me onto the roster and i began training in Jterm. I ran as fast and as hard as i could for as long as i could. I lifted weights like it was my job. And i ate healthier than i had ever had before. Here was my dream and i would stop at nothing to play my part. 

Yet, a day came where, after a discussion with the coach, I had to once again, decline the position as keeper for Messiah's varsity team. This time though, i walked away knowing my dream lay crumpled in the waste basket of his office. I had given years of blood, sweat, and tears into a dream i was sure was suppose to happen all for it to come crashing down because i still wasn't emotionally stable.

I don't remember how long i cried for nor the horrible words i spoke to God, but at some point during my crying, a peace like no other came upon me. The stress of trying to be good enough for Messiah's team lifted. The worries of whether or not Coach was please with my slow progress lifted. I had time to do homework again as well as time to hang with the friends i was forced to neglect during training. God had me where He wanted me in that very moment: the moment of understanding. He wasn't going to show my why I needed to be at Messiah College just yet, but He took the time to show me the desires of my heart needed to be in line with His plans for my life. 

Now, 2 whole years later, i can sit and write this. I can talk about a dream i had to throw away without so much as a tear. I can support Messiah's Varsity team with no resentment because God's plans for my life and the deepest desires of my heart finally lined up. Even better, i am still playing for Messiah's Club team and have been blessed beyond belief to call each girl a sister and teammate. Friendships have formed that will last a lifetime and skills and knowledge have been gained that could have only happened in those precious moments on the Rec Sports field.

 To every girl i've played with on Messiah's Club team: I love you. With all my heart.