1,000 Gifts: A Challenge

This past Sunday at church, Dawn Waltman spoke, and boy oh boy, was it a good sermon! The sermon itself was based off a book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.

Ann Voskamp dares us to live fully right where we are, no matter what walk of life, by writing down the things we are thankful for, big or small. Can we, in one year, be thankful for 1,000 DIFFERNT things?

One thousand may seem like a pretty big number, and at first I was unsure if I could possibly find that many things to be thankful for. Such a depressing thought, because, as Dawn continued to speak, she reminded all of her audience that once you find one thing to be thankful for...you will find another, than another, than another! She read some of her list, and two items stood out to me: she was thankful for the "diamonds" that appeared upon the snow as the sun shown on it, and the icicles that were bent one way from the wind. These are not things we normally notice, we don't take the time to pay attention to how God reveals Himself to us. Yet, Dawn  realized how thankful she was for these things because they reminded her that God was indeed there, in the small town of Intercourse, PA.

Here's my notebook I use for devotionals. Already I've got a page marked "1,000 Gifts" and I'm taking up the challenge to find at least 1,000 things to be thankful for this coming year.

Dawn also mentioned something else in her sermon. We humans are programmed to worry and stress, unfortunately. Stress and worrying gets in the way of living in the moment, it speeds up time and we continue to become more stressed and more worried. Ann Voskamp's challenge to find things to be thankful for every day allows time to slow down. We have to pay attention to what is around us, we have to take the time to see what we pass by every day, and thank God for it. The more things we write down on the list, the more we realize God is there, the more we realize we can trust Him to provide in other areas of our life...the more we can let go of stress and worry because we have a God who formed what is around us, and He will take care of us. Personally, I stress too much. About everything. This coming year I pray keeping a list will help me to let go of my stress and worry and simply trust.

I challenge you to do the same.

God's Provision and Saying "YES!" to the Dress

God is good.
So good.
So. Very. Good.

Here's why. At least...one of the many reasons God is good :)

So, as you know, i'm getting married and weddings cost A LOT! Like holy crap amounts. And as a poor college student working two jobs, it's not like I have tons of money to spend. Well, when it came to searching for a wedding dress I decided the best place to start was David's Bridal in the "Below $600" section. I wasn't sure if i'd find "thee dress" since there aren't an abundant amount of options, but boy was I wrong.

On page 20 out of 23, my dream dress came up. (Alas, I will not explain what it looks like a great deal since I don't want anyone to know what it looks like other than a select few people until my wedding day). But to put it simply, it was gorgeous. Lace. Simple. And a good price for something so beautiful and elegant.

Here's the catch, I could only buy it online which means there is no trying on and deciding if I liked the feel and look on me. BUT GOSH WAS IT BEAUTIFUL. I knew I wanted it. At $599.99 I started saving. Every time I cashed a pay check, I'd put the change and a few dollars worth into an old pretzel container. Soon enough, I had just over $300. At this point, my appointment at David's bridal was just a month away and I knew I couldn't put too much more money away for it. Last resort, (which should have been my first resort) loads amount of prayer.

God blessed me a week ago as the dress went from $599.99 to $389.99. So much closer to what I had in my bin!!!!!!!!! I continued praying about it, just asking for any extra help in payment. Come two days ago, the dress went down ANOTHER $100!!! I could pay for my dress with the money I had in my pretzel bin. God is so good. Yet, I was still uncertain of whether or not I should purchase it since I didn't know my size and couldn't try it on until I had bought it. Sighing just a bit, I went into David's bridal this morning knowing that as soon as I found my size out, i'd buy that dress online.

I tried on two dresses and I absolutely LOVED this first one. It was lace with a champagne color underneath and was simply stunning. The next, I liked but it doesn't fit my theme for the wedding. As I stood there trying to decided what to do, Rochelle asked the lady helping me (Sharon) if she could find a dress in the store that had a halter neckline, since the dress online had a halter neckline and it would help if I had an idea of how it fit. She said she'd be right back and went off.

When she same back she had a lace dress with a halter top. Gosh, it looked like the one online! Then she started taking it out of the bag, it was ivory...just like the one online. The halter came into view, ruffled...just like the one online! All this time Morgan, Rochelle and I are saying "that looks like the one online!" So Rochelle asks "what is the code number on that dress?" The lady reads off "T9512"...

IT WAS THE DRESS I SAW ONLINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The dress I wanted but was afraid to purchase online for the reasons I mentioned above was RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME! God is SO good.

We all gasped, teared up, and I went in the changing room to try it on. It fit perfectly. Just a small adjustment to the length of the halter top and I was golden. Everything else...the length, feel, style, color...all were right. As I walked out to show my roommates I did some sort of jig and cried out "THIS IS THE ONE!!!"

Needless to say...the next minutes to pass were ones of great joy, tears, gasps, praises and me almost fainting. And i'm being serious...I could have fainted. I thought I was going to. Not because the dress was too tight...but because God has provided for me the very dress I wanted from the start.

It gets better.

As we are freaking out and i'm telling Sharon what a miracle this is, another lady from the store comes over and we related the story to her of how this dress was suppose to be "only online" yet it was here. She was blown away to. You could just tell she knew it was meant to be...it was just that crazy of a circumstance. The one lady says to me then "I just put out that dress this morning. It's the only one in its size we have here. We just get random dresses from time to time that are leftover from before."

Wait...what? You JUST put this out this morning? This dress JUST happens to be in MY SIZE? It's the ONLY one here of its style? Shoot dang.

God provides.

The dress itself was just under $400, a bit more than online, which I'm totally ok with, because I knew this had be set up by God. He was looking out for me and granting a desire of my heart.

To say I am thankful seems an understatement. But one thing is for sure...I learned today just how awesome of a provider my God is...and I will never stop singing His praise.

Left. Me. Speechless.

One of my more recent facebook status updates read this:

 

I hear so often the phrase, "A picture is worth a thousand words," and although that may be true, a thousand words is sometimes not adequate to describe the places and experiences one has been. This past Thursday and Friday I spent traveling to some of the prettiest places I have ever been...while taking pictures and reviewing them I realized, none of these pictures are satisfactory. None of them ...capture the true beauty of what I am seeing. Experiences, my friends, are worth no words, for experiences like this week leave me speechless. In a place so beautiful and majestic, it is best to meditate on the all-powerful and perfect Creator. It was in the moments and experiences like these past two days my passion for sustainable agriculture was revived, my sense of purpose and calling evident. As I sit here writing this, a tear trickles down my face. Although spiritually I am ready to go Home, I can stand in confidence that I live in a world so full of wonders amidst the bad, and that my every action has the chance to benefit what surrounds me. What a wonderful gift it is to live this life, on this earth, with these people, serving my God.

 

 

Let me elaborate just a bit:

 

"What did I see?" you ask? My answer: I saw two pods of orcas twice in one day when no pods had been seen in a week; I saw two eagles clasp talons and plummet to the ocean below, only to break their bond and fly up high again; there were seals galore; golden eagles flying above my head; old growth forest with trees 5x larger than anything we have here in PA;  I saw friends tear up at VESPERS; hands raised high in worship; I saw sunsets that left me speechless.

 

I took pictures of EVERYTHING! Ok, minus friends crying and raising hands...and unfortunately not a picture of the eagles clasping talons. But what hit me while on my camping trip in the Olympic Mountains was that no picture could adequately portray the sounds, smells, and colors of what we all experienced in Washington. A video would have gotten sound...and a picture some of the colors, but nothing to equal the actual experience.

 

Looking back through my pictures on my camera, as I scroll from one to the next, I sigh because i'll never experience those things again just the way they were. Sometimes I would get so bogged down in taking pictures I wouldn't actually take the time and soak up my surroundings. Although I think I have some great pictures of my time at Au Sable, I regret not taking more time to spend in nature and simply gazing upon Creation or worshiping my Creator.

 

My goal from now on is to first: focus more on nature, less on taking pictures. Second: thank God for each and every plant and animal I see...even the ones I don't like! Third: Worship. However that may look for that particular situation. Fourth: maybe take some pictures. Fifth: come away from that place loving the experiences of smelling, hearing and seeing while being thankful for the very few (if any) pictures I took. I think God has given me the talent of photography and is glad I am using it...but I also think He'd love if I spent more time praising what He has made instead of absently photographing it then looking at pictures later.

 

But to end this all, I want to share some of my favorite pictures from the trip and am praying that you take the time to praise God for each, for creating such a spectacular earth, and for giving us humans the job of caring for it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

FLEETING: Au Sable Style

As many of you know, I am currently at Au Sable Institute of Environmental Science for 5 weeks. I am taking two classes: Ecological Agriculture and Sustainability along with International Development. During our class yesterday we were asked to write in our reflection journals the word "fleeting" and could either write about that, or whatever we wished. I chose to take up "fleeting" and what it means to me, and I decided I wanted to share just a few of my random thoughts. Forgive me if any of the thoughts are incomplete, my mind was racing and I wrote down what I could get out in the time given to me.

FLEETING

Here for a second, then gone. That's what fleeting is. What was changes in the blink of an eye and everything will never go back to how it was. The 3 ants moving at my feet will never be in the same position they are just this second along with how the wind is moving through the trees, etc. Every second the earth is experiencing its first time being in that state. Like the orcas we saw today. In comparison to the earth's life, their lives are over quickly. Just like our lives. Fleeting.

So what can one do in a fleeting moment? If we give every second to a cause while we are alive, what can we accomplish? Who can we help? What benefits? For the earth's sake, and the sake of those yet to be born into this world, I hope I benefit the least.

In this fleeting moment I call life, what will I fight for? Who will I help? Because even though it is a fleeting moment, everything changes and will never be the same.

Ministry Advice

Alrighty everyone...i'm in need of some solid ministry advice! First, the situation:

There are a few guys I work with during the day for 7 hours a day have both admitted to being atheists. From their use of foul language of nouns, verbs, adjectives and basically any part of a sentence you can think of as well as their choice of conversation topics...it was pretty evident from the start they didn't know Christ.

I never really thought it would be that bad until...things got worse. I wont say what, exactly, but their topic of conversation shifted in a direction that I find horrifying. The one guy sees foul language as just another set of words to use whenever...he sees swear words (all of them) as part of the English language and therefore perfectly ok to use in conversations with Christians, his boss, friends, family, etc. Apparently, they are just words with no meaning attached to them and therefore, cannot be offensive. The other individual swears almost as much but at least knows when to keep his mouth shut.

Both atheists, both guys who swear, both individuals with a lifestyle that makes me shiver. Everyone has continued to tell me they will keep this situation in their prayers. Members of SWAMP church have prayed over it as well and prayed for wisdom on my part. Others tell me my actions speak louder than words and that I must continue to show them love, respect, and hold to the beliefs I have so that maybe, just maybe, they can see that not all Christians are hypocrites.

Yet, I wish there was more I could do. And this is where all of you who are reading this can jump in...you are the advice I need! Maybe some of you have been in a similar situation and can give me some pointers on what worked and what didn't work. Maybe there are some verses you found useful to have memorized to use during conversations or just verses you found encouraging along the tough journey of ministering to someone who doesn't acknowledge Christ. Or maybe something else, some other pieces of advice, anything.

And for those of you who may say "I don't have much advice to offer other than what has already been offered" I ask that you pray (even those that do have advice to give!). Pray that God can continue to work in me and through me to minister to those in the workplace; that I can listen to the whispers of the Holy Spirit, have the wisdom to discern what He is say to do, and the courage to do it. Pray that God can speak into their lives and that their hearts can be opened to what He is doing around them. The summer most likely will not end with them confessing belief in Christ (but GOSH! that would be a miracle!!), but if we can get them to begin to question and looking for answers, God can take that small seed planted in their hearts and make it grow.

Back to Reality

I got engaged last night.

I GOT ENGAGED LAST NIGHT.

HOLY CRAP, I GOT ENGAGED LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Can you tell how excited, happy, and enthusiastic I am?!

And I'm sure you're looking for a story too, aren't ya? Well, I got one for you :)



Last night, BJ and I were talking and by the end of the conversation I really felt I needed to confess to him what was on my heart. So I did. I confessed to being selfish and impatient because of a growing jealousy and anger towards his younger brother who had gotten engaged close to the end of last year. My "excuses:" they hadn't been dating as long, what about finances, aren't the oldest siblings in the family suppose to get married first?

I have the worse excuses ever. Seriously. What was I thinking? I wasn't.

So, there I sat, basically admitting to BJ I wasn't ok with where we were at in our relationship. I don't know how he kept his cool, but he did. He didn't judge. He didn't accuse me of being wrong. He forgave me.

At this point tears are streaming down my face, super unattractive, and I ask him to do me one simple favor: to stop asking me to marry him (in the joking way he has been doing for a few weeks) so that I can learn to be content with our relationship exactly where it is at. I owed him that, after everything. He agreed and then.........................................................

HE ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM!

I was confused, bewildered, semi-angryish (but not a lot!) and happy in a what-the-heck-are-you-serious-right-now kind of way. He had to be kidding! But he wasn't. He got up, and opened a silver gray box to reveal the most gorgeous engagement ring i'd ever seen. It's silver, with one high circular diamond surrounded on the left and right with three diamonds that create a heart shape. It wasn't gold like he had wanted, it was silver like I was wanted. Through all this, through my impatience and jealousy and disrespect he had listened to my request of having a silver ring. Maybe that doesn't seem of importance to you, but it meant the world to me. He could love me at my worst. And now there is a ring on my finger!

It wasn't a planned proposal, nor one that required lots of money and time (other than actually ring shopping...). It was simple. Perfect. And will forever be etched in my mind as the day the love of my life asked me to marry him.

That's our story.




All this happened last night. Now, this morning, both BJ and I headed to work on the farm at 4:00am. EARLY! On the way there, I kept being amazed at the grace and forgiveness BJ had shown me in not only forgiving my super selfish actions and words, but in the span of 10 minutes, also ask me to marry him.

That's when God showed up and in a voice, not small or still he said to me: Have not I shown you grace and forgiveness beyond what even he can? Have not I listened to your every prayer and request and answered them? How many times have you praised me in times of great joy, how many times have you looked at me with the love you look at him, as you do BJ? 

Gulp. (x3).

Truthfully, in times of praise...I don't thank God first, or enough, or sometimes I don't even thank Him at all. I take it for granted. And looking at my God with love? I don't do that often at all. Maybe it's because humans are physical creatures, I can see them and touch them. God, I "can't." But my God is in everything: me, the trees, grass, dogs, wind and the sky. All it would take is a glance upwards towards Heaven and an honest cry of joy from the heart, but I don't do that.

From now on, I will. Yes, there will be times when I don't but I am determined to learn from those experiences. It's time to praise God for everything. In the good and bad. First. Not second or last, praise Him first.

God is good people, God is good.

Our Differences are Making Us Stronger

You see that guy in the background? Yeah him. This is about us and how two people with different personalities and characteristics have made each other stronger along the way.

For some the saying, "Opposites Attract" is total bogus. It didn't turn out well or things were better off at the friendship level.Others, like myself, are firm believers in this simple saying because the frustrations of another person's personality are met with joy, a learning attitude, and patience. For example:

BJ   

1. Sees life as spontaneous, you just never know what is going on until it happens
2. Time doesn't mean a whole lot. Not an important event? Arrive when told, maybe even a few minutes late. Important event? Arrive exactly when it starts. 
3. Get things done to get them done. Don't not try, but don't fret if it isn't completely up to par.
4.   Injured? Hurting? Sit out.                                                                

Kayleigh

1. Life needs to be a little more planned. keep a calendar, marks important dates and times. Always bring extra everything/anything...because others are spontaneous and at least someone has gotta be ready.
2. Time is everything. Important event? Arrive at least 10 minutes early. If it is a soccer game (like my dad has taught me) leave extra time to get lost just incase and plan on being there at least 30 minutes early. Not an important event? Still arrive 10 minutes early.
3. Do things, such as homework, with all ya got. Make sure all guidelines are met and add something extra, ya never know when a teacher will handout extra credit or praise you for the hard work.
4. Injured? Hurt? You should see the other person, and yes, I am still playing. 

Some pretty big differences there. Ok so nothing SUPER different that causes major clashes and second guessing the relationship, but differences nonetheless that him and I have to work out. I've been in relationships prior to dating BJ and they've all been with individuals who were similar to me in likes and dislikes almost to a T. There just wasn't room for growth, at least, the kind of growth I was looking for and needed. But this relationship, holy cow. There are times where I just want to rip my hair out because I don't get how someone doesn't leave an extra 20 minutes early during bad weather to get to an event that is important, you just don't know what you may encounter on the way! 

It has been these differences though, that have made a difference in our relationship. Each day there are things we could complain about, harass each other about, perhaps even fight over, but we've chosen to see those things as a time to discuss why we view it that way and how it could benefit the other person. 

Example: I stress out about homework WAY MORE than I should. Guidelines and due dates are struggling to be met because I want not to achieve, but overachieve. BJ swoops in for the win as he helps me to see that there are times in my college career where I am going to have to turn in a paper that meets the guidelines and that is it. I've got to be ok with that because my stress levels are not healthy. He has helped me see that, and I continue to grow stronger in that area due to his support. 

BJ, on the other hand, doesn't schedule things very well, or write dates down in a planner to know what's going on and when. Sooooooooooo, there have been several times over the past 2 and a half years where two semi-important events are planned on the same day and he doesn't realize it until the day of! MAJOR yikes on my part. Needless to say, I think he is becoming better at writing events down, even on his calendar on his phone, just to be sure. (I'm rubbing off on him...finally! at least...i'd like to think I am.)

Anyways, it's been such a blessing being in a relationship where my own views are challenged and strengthened as well as developing new habits that are maybe a bit healthier than my own. It really has gone both ways and overall, i think we'll stay the same people as listed above, but our relationship is going to allow us to continue learning, continue to grow stronger together, and teach us patience. 

And that, my friends, is pretty stinkn' cool.

Blessing in Disguise

As many of you may have seen, over the weekend my computer decided it would no longer work. I hit the power button and...nothing. "Freaking fantastic." 

Now, I am now a person who curses...but gosh was I close! Not only had my computer crashed, but i kept everything...everything on that computer. School work. Reports. Exam study guides. Essays in progress. You name it, it was on there. But all it took was one morning for it not to work and all those things POOF! Gone. Worse yet, I can't get any of it back. 

Let me tell ya, I was bitter! And still am somewhat, but through all of this and the past few days of not having my laptop a blessing emerged: I wasn't spending needless time on facebook, twitter, pinterest, and games when i should be doing homework. yes, all my homework was on that laptop, but i could restart some of it using the computers in the library...the thing is...is wasn't my own and I couldn't have it out whenever. so during the two classes i use it in, i sat and took notes instead of surfed the web when lecture got boring. I understood vocab mentioned in class and how it related to the last section of reading because my ears were tuned into my professors. At night, when I had just finished a long day of classes and work, I could go to bed without opening my laptop and getting on facebook for an hour looking at pictures i had seen a dozen times. Homework was getting done quicker because i wasn't distracted...and the time i had opened was filled with friends. Dinners. Lunches. Desserts. Tanning on Bitner beach. I had time i didn't allow myself to have before. 

It is still very hard not having a laptop with me. It is still tempting to be bitter and blame God for not fixing my computer when i prayed over it. It is even better to commit those feelings all to Him and trust in His timing and thank Him for the blessings He has bestowed upon me these past 3 days.

God is good. All the time.

11:59 p.m. text

Confession time: I don't think I'm beautiful. I struggle to find my purpose in life and where I fit in despite going to college, playing soccer, and having a strong friend group. Some days, it's even harder for me to find my personal worth and value.

To explain where all these negative feelings come from would take pages upon endless pages of depressing experiences that I'll graciously spare you. Yet, they are still here. They are still the things I feel and think.

I can look back through my life and see how God has worked in me, through me, and around me, however that may appear. He's done miracles before my eyes and guided me along the way. But somehow turning to Him to find worth, value, purpose (and shall I say, 'prettiness') was not an option? I neglected to see how He could listen to such pitiful mumbling of a teenage girl struggling with "normal, every day" things. No wonder it has taken me over 4 years to realize HE DOES CARE!

Sometime this past Monday, I got to thinking about all this. All the feelings of unworthiness, little value, and so on...and frankly, I got pretty depressed. It hung with me through the next day until I talked with BJ (God has granted him an endless supply of patience, I SWEAR!) about all I was feeling and how there was nowhere to turn to get help to feel pretty again. Thank goodness he is wise beyond his years and simply instructed me to pray and turn it all over to God. Under my breath on the way to Theology of Ministry class I muttered to myself, "God, help me feel beautiful. Help me to be content with who I am." Simple, right?

I was in for more than I knew when class started and we had a guest speaker named Jeremy Ritch. This guy is insane. In the best of ways, and I truly mean that. He was tattooed all over the place, far different looking than any pastor I had ever laid eyes on, and his life had been one of great strife and questioning. Having grown up doing drugs and alcohol, going to church because his mother made him and after being kicked out of numerous churches for his tattoos, he eventually came to Christ and later started his ministry. Jeremy ministers to guys at bars, the homosexuals, transvestites, those who've changed sex, and so on. Yet Christians tell him he CAN'T and SHOULDN'T because of who they are. Admits all of this, he brought up what we've all heard time and time again in church: We are made in God's image. God does NOT screw up in making us. We are BEAUTIFUL, just the way we are. And where we are at in life is exactly where He wants us to be. Not guna lie, this was the first time it hit me.

Hours later, after much reflection on what Jeremy Ritch had talked about and just how profound it is to be created in the image of God, I began to cry. Cry because I still felt lost.

It was then, at 11:59 p.m. I got a text from my best friend Kristen Darby, and this is what it said: Dearest Kayleigh, I am contacting you for the purpose  of informing you that i love you :) hahaha today I was overwhelmed with how much i miss you and how awesome you are and how we need to hang out!! You are a beautiful daughter of the King and don't you dare ever forget it. 

I began to bawl now. I told her so.

She replied saying how God had laid it on her heart to tell me those things, to remind me who I am to Him, and the wonderful friendship I have with Kristen Darby.

My journey towards turning all these feelings over to God has only just begun. But I think I can say that after hearing from Darby and Jeremy, I know God is listening to my "pitiful" prayers and answering them. He is going to take me on a joy ride with the end goal being completely and utterly happy with who He has created me to be.

If you don't have a friend like Kristen, then I advise you get one asap. She is the best. And by the best I mean she is like a sister to me. I love her with all my heart and have been blessed time and time again by the fast friendship her and I have. If it weren't for her love for the Lord, for her listening to His still small whispers, Tuesday night could have ended up differently.

Bucket List

I've wanted to make a "Bucket List" for years...but never done so. So...here we go:

1) Visit the 7 Wonders of the World. Not only would this bring me to 7 different places in this beautiful world, I'd have the opportunity to gaze upon architecture like no other. Seriously. Look at the pyramids of Giza...how the HECK did they do that?!

2) Climb Mount Everest. Hahaha, yeah right.

3) Have kids and name them after my favorite individuals from the Bible. Sounds really "Christiany," right? Think about it though! How neat would it be to name your first son Ezekiel (That's what BJ and I are planning on) which means "God strengthens."

4) Once I have my own home, and LARGE, LARGE yard, I'd love to create my very own garden and greenhouse. After 3 years as a sustainable agriculture major and working in the community garden, it excites me to be able to one day supply my family with fresh vegetables and fruits. Not to mention getting my hands dirty and all scrapped up after hours of working can be very rewarding when the first blossoms are produced :)

5) Visit my Compassion Child! His name is Francis and he lives in Rwanda. I can only pray he enjoys the letters and gifts I send him...and one day, just maybe I can meet the boy face to face and tell him i love him.

6) Coach a soccer team. For the past 15 years I've played soccer and reffed 8 year olds (quite a blast watching them grow in skill!). Now, to coach. Lesson plans are made, tournaments scoped out and team names with coordinating shirts in the making.

...yup. More to come hopefully.

Devos

At the beginning of this year I bought myself a devotional book with the intent to do a devo every day for the rest of the year. So far...I haven't quite fulfilled that. BUT, despite that, I thought i'd share one that hit me pretty hard and can be really applicable, not matter who you are!

Success starts with your thoughts
We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ.  -2 Corinthians 10:5 NLT

Nobody is successful in any venture just by wishing they could be. Successful people make a plan and talk to themselves about that plan constantly. You can think things on purpose, and if you make what you think about match what you actually want to do, your feelings may not like it, but they will go along.
I slept great last night, and when i woke up at 5:00a.m., I didn't feel like getting up. It was so cozy under the fluffy cover, and I felt like staying right there. But I had a plan. I had decided how many hours I would write today, and in order to do that I had to get up. I thought, I am going to get up now, and I got up!
Do you make an effort to choose your thoughts, or do you just meditate on whatever falls into your head, even if it is in total disagreement with what you have said you want out of life? When your thoughts are going in a wrong direction, do you capture them and submit them to Christ as the Bible instructs (see 2 Cor. 10:5)?
I want to encourage you today--the good news is you can change. As I have said for years, we are in a war and the mind is the battlefield. We either win or lose our battles based on winning or losing the war in our minds. Learn to think according to the Word of God, and your emotions will start lining up with your thoughts.
If you have had years of experiencing wrong thinking and letting your emotions lead you as I did, making the change may not be easy, and it will definitely require a commitment of study, time, and effort. But the results will be worth it. Don't say, "I am just an emotional person, and I can't help the way I feel." Take control. You can do it!

Trust in Him: Keep your thoughts in line with the plan God has for your life--a plan to prosper you, and not to harm you (see Jer. 29:11). Take control of your thoughts by trusting them to Him.


I highly recommend this devotional book! It's called "Trusting God day by day" by Joyce Meyer. She has written a lot of other books and devotionals as well, just pick one up and begin, I promise you won't regret it!

Throwing Away a Dream

"Go Kayleigh, Go!" I could always hear my dad from the sidelines of the soccer field cheering me on. Besides that fact that he was louder than every other parent out there, he was also insistent in his praise of my game. I still remember to this day, the two times he asked if he could miss my game because he had to take Maya or Liam somewhere. Just twice. And I've been playing since I was 5 years old.

Some summer, during a year i don't remember, i headed off to Messiah College for their yearly soccer camp along with other girls from my LDC team. After a week of 3-a-day training I came away knowing that this was where i was going to go to college, whatever for i wasn't sure, but i knew i'd be playing soccer. So i began training on my own every day from that point out. Foot skills for an hour, then jog, sprints, shooting drills; repeat. I desired above all else to play for Messiah and was determined i'd be on the team, a National Champion maybe. 

It came around to my junior and senior year of high school, and boy was i feeling great about my skills! Not only was I able to play any defensive position, but mid as well, along with a newly acquired position: Keeper.  My first year went alright, but junior and senior year our high school (Donegal High School) made it as District Finalists and State Champs; BOTH YEARS!!!!!! 

(That's me again! During our State Final Game :)) I was decent i guess, for i had letters coming in from colleges in the East Coast Region asking to come see me play or send a tape of this game, or visit them some weekend. I can't number on 2 hands how many coaches i communicated with over my senior year. But i still had my eyes set on Messiah. Deep down inside, i knew that was where i'd go, no matter how expensive and with a scholarship or not. After politely declining every coach, I was accepted to Messiah and agreed to attend. 

Nothing could stop me now, right? Unfortunately, wrong. I hit a really hard time in my life the middle of my junior year that continued to grow worse as my senior year came to an end. After some intense therapy and numerous doctors appointments i was diagnosed with depression. My self worth had vanished. My self esteem had hit rock bottom. And i no longer cared, or at least thought i no longer did, about being on Messiah's team or not. Some emails were sent between myself and Messiah's coach, but in the end i wasn't mentally ready to give all i had to a team that needed me to give 100%, 100% of the time. It hurt, but i had three more years ahead of me to make it. Somewhere in my first semester, after joining the club team, i figured i had reached a point of mental stability to play for the varsity team. How silly i was.

Coach graciously allowed me onto the roster and i began training in Jterm. I ran as fast and as hard as i could for as long as i could. I lifted weights like it was my job. And i ate healthier than i had ever had before. Here was my dream and i would stop at nothing to play my part. 

Yet, a day came where, after a discussion with the coach, I had to once again, decline the position as keeper for Messiah's varsity team. This time though, i walked away knowing my dream lay crumpled in the waste basket of his office. I had given years of blood, sweat, and tears into a dream i was sure was suppose to happen all for it to come crashing down because i still wasn't emotionally stable.

I don't remember how long i cried for nor the horrible words i spoke to God, but at some point during my crying, a peace like no other came upon me. The stress of trying to be good enough for Messiah's team lifted. The worries of whether or not Coach was please with my slow progress lifted. I had time to do homework again as well as time to hang with the friends i was forced to neglect during training. God had me where He wanted me in that very moment: the moment of understanding. He wasn't going to show my why I needed to be at Messiah College just yet, but He took the time to show me the desires of my heart needed to be in line with His plans for my life. 

Now, 2 whole years later, i can sit and write this. I can talk about a dream i had to throw away without so much as a tear. I can support Messiah's Varsity team with no resentment because God's plans for my life and the deepest desires of my heart finally lined up. Even better, i am still playing for Messiah's Club team and have been blessed beyond belief to call each girl a sister and teammate. Friendships have formed that will last a lifetime and skills and knowledge have been gained that could have only happened in those precious moments on the Rec Sports field.

 To every girl i've played with on Messiah's Club team: I love you. With all my heart.

Can I do this?

I ask myself this question constantly, at least 10 times a day, "Can i do this?"

Last semester, God decided that He had had enough of hitting me over the head with a hammer and instead took an entirely different approach to get me to listen and stop running. What started as a walk to cook myself delicious ramen noodles quickly turned into a convicting session with the Lord. LITERALLY He stopped me in the dead of my tracks to inform me that i WOULD be doing youth ministry for the rest of my life and I DIDN'T have a say in the matter. More kindly, i should stop running and start letting Him lead.

Even quicker than His sledgehammer to the head that Tuesday afternoon, came a flood of insecurities and questions about my unworthiness to minister to youth or anybody in general.  "Can I do this? Why me? What do I have to offer to the youth? I can't even teach! How can i teach from the Bible when I myself do not know it very well? God, you have the wrong person!" Does any of this sound familiar? If so, you may be thinking of Moses.

Moses' encounter with God in the Burning Bush started out great, Moses was going to make such an impact on the lives of the Israelites! Yet, he too, questioned God: (below are just 3 of the examples from this passage)

But Moses said to God, "Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?"(Exodus 3:11)

Then Moses answered, "But behold, they will not believe me or listen to my voice, for they will say, 'The Lord did not appear to you.'" (Exodus 4:1)

But Moses said to the Lord, "Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but i am slow of speech and of tongue." (Exodus 4:10)

Each time the Lord encourages Moses saying that He will be with him, that He will give powerful signs through him, and that He is the very one who formed Moses mouth! Wow! God was going to, and did, use Moses despite how Moses felt about himself and the lack of self esteem he portrayed in speech. What a lovely reminder that 1) God CAN and WILL use ANYBODY He wishes to do His work. He is God after all. 2) God will EQUIP His servant with all that is necessary to complete the task, even if that is through another person (Aaron in Moses' case) or giving them His knowledge. 3) God WILL NOT just leave you hanging once He tells you to go. Every step of the way, He'll provide guidance, reassurance and Love, among other things (obviously).

So to all those who are out there and ask yourself similar questions, who doubt where God is taking you and if you can "add up" to what He has in store for you: don't worry! He has got your back. He, Himself, knit you in your mothers womb and the plans He has for you will be fulfilled through Him; TRUST Him. With all your heart. And with all your mind.

As a youth ministry minor at Messiah College, i feel inadequate to lead and teach youth about Christ. There are classes I am not required to take because I'm a minor and not a major, plus i wouldn't have the time to anyway on top of being a sustainable agriculture major. I NEED those classes, right? Wrong. My pastor, being the wise man that He is, told me that if God has truly called me to youth ministry, that it will happen and He will equip me in every area i lack an increase my knowledge in the areas I already know some about. How comforting! The journey up to my first job as a youth pastor and all the years following may not be easy and will surely be filled with questions, but I am determined to turn to Christ in my doubts and have Him lead me and use me, for surely He will.

This seems like a beneficial idea...

It seems the customary thing to do when starting a blog is to tell about yourself...just a few fun facts, or deep personal things. I like...inbetween-typish-stuff. So that is what i'll do.

1) I've played soccer since i was 4. Nothing compares to it nor gives me the same adrenaline rush; there is just something about fighting as a team for a goal that makes every bruise and scratch worth it. Might as well admit that i find joy in hitting people to, when i can and semi when it is appropriate. What can i say, i REALLY get into it sometimes.

2) Books are addictive. So are puzzles. I'll spend hours reading and getting emotionally invested in a book, or have my eyes glued to a puzzle until the last piece is in. I admit, i cried like a baby when Sirius dies in The Order of the Phoenix. I was emotionally attached and sad to see him go.

3) Heels...no. can. do.

4) When i met my now best friend, i was 5, maybe 6, and treated her kinda meanly. A few years later, we were inseparable. I love her with all my heart <3

5) I attended Donegal High School where I played soccer. My Junior and Senior year our team ended up as District Finalists and won States. Not many memories can best those feelings of utter joy!

6) I don't have one favorite movie, i have many: Remember the Titans, We Are Marshall, Princess Bride, The Lord of the Rings Series, The Harry Potter Series, The Pirates of the Caribbean Series, Secret Window, Willow, Legend, Grease, Tangled, Sleepy Hollow, Alice in Wonderland, Reign of Fire. I could keep going on but i'll spare you.

7) I'm a fan of the Pittsburgh Penguins, New York Yankees, New York Giants, Manchester United, and the U.S. Women's soccer team.

8) God has blessed me with a heart for youth and ministry. Praying that one day i can go into the mission field and work in Africa with children and provide some solutions to agriculture and water.

9) the number 9 is one of my favorite numbers, the other is 23. Why? Mia Hamm was number 9 and David Beckham was number 23. Currently hold number 23 as my own on the Messiah Club team, and proud of it!

A Change of Heart

There are times in your life when you don't ask for change, but God does so anyways. Other times you pray for change and nothing seems to happen. Then there are times when you pray and He answers immediately, not in the way you asked, but in a way that shows you the deepest desires of your heart. I've had one such experience this past Monday.
For 6 years I've looked for the Love only Christ can provide from all the wrong people. Whether that be my own father, best friend, boyfriend or teacher, I have always left feeling further from my goal. In reality, i was. Yet i knew in my head that only Christ could fill the hole i had in my soul, but that knowledge wasn't in my heart. It was not something i yet believed. So i continued searching and continued to push the people i loved the most away. I can't say what finally clicked on Monday morning, maybe it was all in God's timing, but i knew that going into prayer at SWAMP church i had to confess to everyone in that room that i was struggling to find His love, that i was purposely avoiding asking Him to hold my heart.
That night we discussed the supernatural Love of Christ. How His love for us is far greater than we know, far greater than we deserve, and sometimes we need to ask for that love in order to love the people in our lives we find hardest to love. And here lay another struggle. I desired with all i had to love God, even if i struggled to "feel" His love; but i loved Him no more than the hatred i had for another girl in my life. I was reminded of the passage in Matthew 25:31-46 concerning the least of these and how my friend put this entire passage into perspective by saying: "Think of the person you love the least, perhaps the one person you don't love at all. Think of that person. That is the greatest amount of love you can have for Christ."
WOW! How little my love was! Here i was, thinking i loved Christ more than most, but i DIDN'T. I was a hypocrite.
Again, God moment, when Char called me out at prayer night, knowing i was struggling with the supernatural love of Christ in both areas of my life. I confessed and sat in the middle of the group. The moment they started praying i felt the Hand of God on my shoulder. Literally, i could have drawn an outline of His hand on my back. A peace filled me. Love filled me. No longer was there a hole in my heart. No longer was there hatred for a girl who didn't deserve it. Supernatural Love came in and made its home in my heart. I can't say i am a different person, but i can say i had a change of heart.